Why It's So Hard To Not Doubt Yourself

Do you find yourself stuck because you are afraid of making the wrong decision, even when you know something needs to change?

In this episode, John explores how decision-making shapes the lives of hardworking men who feel trapped despite their success. He talks about how decisions keep life moving forward, why fear of letting people down can lead to hesitation, and how trusting yourself allows you to lead with more confidence, courage, and freedom.

For more on the Deru approach to leadership from the inside out, visit www.derunation.com

00:00:00 — The Importance of Decision-Making

00:01:14 — Identifying Your Tribe

00:02:10 — The Fear of Letting People Down

00:06:43 — The Cost of Indecision

00:12:25 — Building Certainty in Yourself

00:14:23 — Fear vs. Intention

00:17:03 — Your Tribe Wants You, Not Perfection

00:19:01 — Closing Remarks 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Decision is the thing that keeps the whole lot flowing. It's like a valve in your heart. It keeps the blood flowing in the right direction. That's what decisions is for your life. And if you don't let yourself make the decisions that are true to you, that would allow you to be free in yourself, a clean slate, thinking cleanly, making decisions cleanly, unapologetically, then you're stopping your life from happening. Welcome to the Grounded Man Podcast by Deru. I am your host, John Douglas, and founder of Deru. And this space is for hardworking men building businesses, carrying responsibility, and providing for their families who feel they should be freer. You see, the world has changed, and leading through hard work and long hours now limits a man's influence. The new way is mastering the inner game of leadership so you can carry it well, enjoy what you're building, and still feel free. Deru is leadership for the 21st century. We all have a tribe, and our tribe is made up of the people we surround ourselves with. Maybe their family and friends, our wife and kids, our extended family, in-laws, our friends, friends of our partners, team and work, our clients, our customers, maybe even people in the community or neighbors, etc. The people you spend time with and the people you love and respect, they're your tribe. And likewise you're part of their tribe. And I want you to I want to ask you this question. Those people, I want you to think about who is it in that tribe that you're the closest to? This is the person that you and them think alike a lot. You know, you're very like-minded. You get each other on a deeper level more than the other people. Because we all know we have family and friends. Some of them we get more than others. So who is that one person that you get more than anybody else and they get you? And you both know that. I want you to think about that person. I want you to imagine that person is acting with good intentions and is making a decision. Now, if they get that decision wrong, will you still support them? Will you still respect them? Will you still love them? Now I think I already know the answer to that. I think the answer for all of us is gonna be yes. Because we've built a relationship with that person, we trust them. And when they're acting with good faith, good intention, and if they get it wrong, we'll still be there for them. We'll have their back. And that's really the setting the foundation for this episode. And I want us to invert that and think about it for ourselves, because the hardest thing to do in a life sometimes isn't to not doubt yourself, and therefore the easiest thing to do sometimes is to worry about things and doubt them, and doubt yourself. And when we doubt ourselves, we're really slowing down our own lives. We're slowing down what we could enjoy, what we could achieve, where we could grow, what we could expand into, where we could express, where we can provide value, where can we give? We just slow down our life. What is life? Life is something that's meant to be enjoyed, something that's meant to be lived. And are you living through that life or is it stalling? Is it getting stuck? Do you feel trapped? Do you feel um kind of imprisoned in some ways? And a lot of guys, we've spoken of this in previous episodes. A lot of men have built businesses for freedom and actually now feel more trapped than they ever were before. Why is that? Because maybe it's just the decisions. So, do you believe that your decisions have got you to where you are today? Like, how important do you think the role of decision making has been in your life to get you right here today to this moment where you're listening to me on the podcast? Every decision that you've made has got you here. So you're a sum total of all these decisions that you've made. So therefore, your growth and achievement into the future is going to be a sum total of the decisions that you make going forward. However, the problem is if we feel that we're going to let other people down and maybe let ourselves down by getting it wrong, getting the decision wrong, playing it too safe, well then what are we doing? We're not living life, we're just surviving through it, we're just struggling through it, we're enduring it and not enjoying it. And so if you really want to enjoy life, you have to get into it. You have to get into the spirit of life. You have to be free in yourself to make the decisions freely for your growth. Because I'm I'm guaranteeing you now, if you're listening to this, the decisions you make are rarely with a bad intention, if ever. They're with good intentions. The people I generally talk to are people who are very caring people. In fact, maybe they're too caring, and maybe that's the weakness. Not in that they they give too much to others, but in that the boundaries are weak around it. And that shows an inner relationship, a self-relationship, a relationship with yourself that needs a little bit of attention. It needs some clearer boundaries. And this is one area because there's a problem here that we're letting fear come into a place where love should exist. What do I mean by that? What I mean by this is we need to stop being afraid of getting it wrong. Because if you were to be true to yourself, you wouldn't let fear come into a place where love and respect and support should exist. You wouldn't do it. Why do we fall into that trap? See, there's a bit of a gap between actually how we want to live and how we want to show up, and actually how we are showing up. And that trap really is letting letting fear come into a place that that love should exist. What I mean by love is we have a tribe around us and we love them unconditionally. We we do it doesn't really matter what they do, we're still there for them. But what we forget sometimes is that they're also there for us. And we make decisions because we fear letting other people down. And when I say other people, I'm not talking about people who are on in the street who are driving a car. I'm talking about your wife, your adoring wife and kids, your best friends, your parents, your brothers and sisters, your neighbors, the people who have been there for you through tick and tin all your life. These are the people we're talking about. They are your tribe. And we love them. Yet we at the same time we let fear come in when we're making the decisions because we don't want to let them down. We're afraid of losing their love. The point I'm trying to make here is that their love for us is also unconditional, just like our love is for them. So why are we afraid of what other people think? Why are we afraid of what the tribe thinks when we're always working for the tribe? We're always working for our family, our team, our community, we're always working for them in their favor. And sometimes we get we're going to get it wrong. We don't have that certainty. We have to, we have to let go of that. We have to not be afraid of getting it wrong because we don't have certainty in the future. The future is not guaranteed. And so if we're treading on eggshells, tiptoeing around, trying to play it safe in order that other people we're not letting others down, so therefore they still will love and respect us, we're living in fear. And so that's what I mean by letting fear come into a place that love should exist. And so that's what we need to kind of clear and let go of. Because if we don't, what's this going to cost us? In a word, it's going to cost you your growth. That's growth with family, growth with those present moments, those precious moments you never get back with your kids or your wife. The growth of an exciting future in your business, taking on new challenges, new projects, new opportunities, new people, and growth outside of that, maybe in your own life, in your health, in your travel, in your exploration, in your uh adventure in life, and exploring, you're going to stop all that. Because the decisions you make are going to get smaller and smaller and smaller as your confidence gets smaller and smaller and smaller. And so we need to flip this direction. If this is resonating with you and you second guess your decisions, you're hesitating, you're procrastinating too much. There's decisions there to be made, there's difficult conversations to be had, but you're not having them. You're slowing yourself down, you're slowing your life down. And you're not living your life, you're surviving through it. You're enduring it. So if you want to actually live it, you need to make decisions quicker. Decision is the key point, it's the pivotal point in your whole life because energy is always flowing. Think of like this dropping that pebble into the water. What happens? It creates a ripple effect. Every time you're slow down the decision, you stop the ripples. So you stop the flow of energy from you. So therefore, nothing is coming back towards you. So if you want a life of more abundance and wealth and health, you have to keep allowing that energy to flow because your wealth comes from inside you. You are the source of your own wealth and it flows from you and how you show up with your presence and what you give and also what you receive back. And it becomes a flow because life is a circulation and a flow, and decision is the thing that keeps the whole lot flowing. It's like a valve in your heart. It keeps the blood flowing in the right direction. That's what decisions is for your life. And if you don't let yourself make the decisions that are true to you, that would allow you to be free in yourself, a clean slate, thinking cleanly, making decisions cleanly, unapologetically, then you're stopping your life from happening. And so, what do you need to clear out of your mind? You need to get rid of the fear of letting other people down, of getting it wrong, of losing out on love, being the fear of rejection. This is the fear. This fear arises if it's on a sales call. This fear arises in any of those sales negotiations. It arises when you're having a conversation with your team or a one-to-one with your team. It arises when you're avoiding those conversations, those difficult conversations, because it's all to do with how other people perceive you. And not just any people, your tribe. So if you want to love your tribe, do good by them. Do the best for them. And you can't do that if you're afraid of getting it wrong. So if we jump into decision making for a moment, let's go into the energetics of it. What's happening when we're making a decision? We're making the decision to direct energy, let's say, to the left or to the right. And we have to make up our mind, okay? Because if we sit on the fence, the energy just stalls and we stall our own growth. And then our energy contracts, and then people feel a lack of confidence or a lack of decisiveness. And that off people are feeding off that all the time, as we've spoken about. You know, people are always feeding off our energy. So the decision keeps the energy flowing. So if we're stalling it, why are we stalling it? And maybe it's off the belief that our love has to be earned, our respect, we have to earn it, and it's not uh unconditional. Because if it's conditional, then we have to earn it. And how do we do that? It's outcomes. And why are outcomes so important? Because if we get the right outcomes, if we have the right results and the right expectations and we create the right circumstances, then people will be happy and they'll love us. That's the way the mind is thinking. But we have to realize that no matter what we create, they're always going to be there for us. Our tribe will have our back no matter what. Now we're free to actually make the decisions we want to make. You know, the bold decisions, the brave decisions, the courageous decisions, to do something new, to do something exciting, to do something that is going to change things. But you're not going to be afraid of doing it. So we we cling to the outcomes because the outcomes are what lead to the conditions, which what we feel will make people happy in our lives. And so where doubt and worry comes is that we're not certain about if what we're going to do is going to create that outcome. So maybe we're going to hire somebody new. Maybe we're going to invest in a new marketing. Maybe we're going to invest in a new sales strategy. Maybe we're going to acquire a new business. Whatever the decision is, we're not sure how that's going to play out. And we talk about risk mitigation and managing risk. And we there is logical things that we need to do to ensure that our success is more than likely. But there's also an element of this that's a risk. And every decision carries a risk. Every decision carries a risk. Doesn't matter what you're trying to achieve, you're always risking something in doing that. And we forget about we forget about what's already the risk that we're already living. And I call, let's call that the suffering. We're already suffering from the decisions that we made in the past. We need to make decisions that allow us to suffer less in the future. And if we're avoiding taking the risk, then we stay in the suffering and don't have the freedom. So the certainty, uncertainty piece is the biggest driver of this decision. If we're certain that we're going to be supported no matter what, what, well then we can make decisions freely. And so we want to build our certainty, not about is the future, because the future is unknown. If you want something that's true, the future is unknown. The future was never made to be certain. If life was certain, if life was guaranteed, there wouldn't be much living in it. The whole experience of living comes from the idea that it is uncertain. So for us to want more certainty before we make the decision, it's actually a flawed idea. What we need to tie our certainty into is not the future, but actually into ourselves. That no matter what comes up, we can still protect the tribe. Then no matter what comes up, we'll still be able to handle that. We'll still get through it. Even if it knocks us on our heart, even if it knocks us back onto the ground, we can get up and start again. And that's where the whole idea, I suppose, of a growth mindset comes in is that it doesn't matter how many times we get knocked down, we can get up again and keep going. And build your certainty in this. And all you have to do is look back on your last 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, whatever you've been in business or leading other people, to see how many challenges you've overcame and what's got you to here today. And it's been you, your resilience, your own value. That's what's got you here. And it might have been a struggle at times, and it might have been painful at times, and you might have had to suffer a lot of loss along the way. But you're still here, and there's great certainty be got out of that. There's great pride in that. Not an egotistical pride, but a great successful, confident, valuable type of pride. And you have it. You have it here in abundance, and you need to remember it. Because when you live from that place, now you're more certain that what you do is going to create a future. It is going to change things. They might not always change them for a better, but my intentions were right. If I set the right intention in the moment of decision, well, then that's more than likely going to lead to success. And I always think back to a time when I had to invest in a new marketing strategy for my business. And I made the decision out of fear. I made the decision because I needed this. Because if I didn't get this in place, then I wouldn't have leads coming in. I wouldn't be generating business, and my business would fail. And so the decision, what's the energetics of the decision there? It's out of fear. And if the business failed, what would my family think of me? What would my wife think of me? What would other people think of me? Again, my tribe, what would they think of me? I wasn't, I wasn't thinking about, I'd love to invest in a new marketing strategy because I want to help more people. I want to give more, which is much more the energy why I started this podcast was because I knew I had wisdom, I had experience, I had things to share with people that could help them, and I wanted to do that. So I'm giving from a place of good intention, caring action, considerate action. And I'm sure you listening to me now do that a lot of the time. You actually take considerate action, you actually do care, but in the moment of decision, it's often made out of fear and not out of a good contribution to other people. And all I want you to do is be more conscious of that and observe it. Because when you do that, then your success and your certainty can be built into you and not the future. You're not attached to some outcome. You're attached to yourself. You know who you are behind it, you know what you can do, you know what you have to offer, and you're leaning into that more. And that's how you protect the tribe. The fact of the matter is we're always going to let people down from time to time. We can't avoid that. But we don't do this intentionally. It's an unintentional consequence of our actions. And we can't control every outcome and the timing of each thing. So we can't take responsibility for that. We can apologize, learn from it, and grow and try and do better the next time. But we need to accept that we can't control everything. And we need to accept that the more I build certainty into myself and trust myself, that's the best way I can look after my tribe. That's the best way I can look after my family. That's the best way I can look after my business. You've probably seen lots of movies where let's say there's a male character as the main actor. And let's say he's a husband and father, and he's also working or he's in business or he's doing something. He's kind of the hero of the show. And he he falls down many places. He's not living up to the expectation, his own expectations of him being a good father or a good husband. He feels like he's failing at it, and he's trying to do more and achieve more to make his family happy or to make other people happy. It always comes to the end of that movie when his wife or maybe one of his kids reminds him, we never wanted all those things. We just wanted you. And so you have to give yourself permission in this, in this whole changing how you're going to make decisions and getting away from the doubt and bringing more certainty into it. You have to give yourself permission to be loved unconditionally. That no matter what decision I make, as long as it's in good intention and with a caring action, that that is enough, that I am enough when I do that, regardless of the outcomes, and that my tribe will always have my back. You have to give yourself permission to be respected in those moments, to be supported in those moments, to be loved in those moments regardless of what happens. Because you only have one life. If you think about the 80-year-old version of you, 80-year-old, fast forward, what would they say in this moment? What would they tell you to do? To play it safe, to be cautious, keep others happy, or to be less cautious, to care less about what others think. And we say others now, we mean the people closest to us. And to be true to yourself and go out and take that action. Because what is the impact when you do that? Well, we've seen the cost of what happens when you don't, you stall your growth. So the impact of this obviously has to be more growth. More growth as a father, more growth as a husband. What could that mean? More presence, maybe more time with them, more precious moments with them that they remember that you remember, stronger relationships. They trust you more when they have a problem. What about in the business? How does this impact in the business when you're making decisions this way? The team get excited, they get motivated by seeing your progress, by seeing your forward momentum, by seeing your positivity, by seeing your certainty. You're transferring certainty into your team. Can you imagine transferring more certainty into your team? What would happen? What would happen to the ownership? What would happen to the responsibility? What would happen to accountability? What would happen to standards and quality if you put more certainty into your team through this the decisions they see you make? This could be life-changing. So what happens when you make these better decisions, these quicker decisions, is that you become unapologetic and you receive unapologetic forward movement in your life. Very clean. Everyone knows who you are, they support you, you support them, and you can't support them more if you're not more yourself. The only way you can get more for yourself is by being more. So you have to make decisions coming from inside, not what's happening around you, coming from within. This is where it's coming from an intention inside rather than a fear of a result on the outside. So I want to finish up this episode by getting you to notice the decisions you're making in the next week. When you're in that moment of making the decisions, or maybe avoiding them, because even avoiding them is still making a decision. What is causing you to do this? What is driving you to do this? At the very start of this episode, I asked you, who in the tribe do you resonate with most? And if they're acting with a good intention but got it wrong, would you still support them? Would you still love them and respect them? Now I want you to put the shoe on the other foot. I want you to imagine they're behind you, and you're acting with a good intention, caring action, and you make a decision in that space, but it turns out you get it wrong. Do you think your tribe will be there for you? I think you know the answer. So live life to the full this week and beyond this episode. Thanks for listening. Thank you so much for listening today. I really enjoy sharing this wisdom because it doesn't come from me, it comes through me, from the work I do with men like you that I serve. So if the idea shared today resonated, be sure to like and follow the show. And if another man would value it, share this episode with him. Because the more men who hear this, the more of us can break free from pressure and enjoy what we're building. So let's enjoy the build together. Thank you for listening. I'll see you next week.